Bye Singapore

I manage to get my leave extended for another month which means i will be on 10 weeks leave starting on the 12 Jul. I have my itinerary planned and am super duper excited to leave Singapore.

Itinerary as follow:

10 Jul - 12 Jul = Malaysia
15 Jul - 24 Jul = Hong Kong, Macau, Zhuhai and Shenzhen
26 Jul - 03 Aug = Sydney and Melbourne
04 Aug - 18 Sep = Sweden, Denmark, Germany, Holland, Fance, Italy, Prague and Switzerland
20 Sep - Start Work!

Wow, I cannot wait any longer!

Happy May

This has been a great month for me!

I have my 6 week leave approved which means...Sweden, here i come! Further to this great news, i have a pay have been increase 20% effective 19 May!

Volcanic Activity In Iceland

Busy, busy, busy....the recent volcanic ash cloud in the Northern Europe airspace had created much chaos. I have been working every day and night even the weekends to try to bring stranded passenger home to Singapore.

Help me, i seriously need a BREAK!

Snowy Is Recovering.

I brought Snowy to the vet on 05 Mar for her follow up check. She is still not showing signs of improvement and seems to have deteriorated.

The vet check and advised us to send her for an ultra sound scan to check her kidney for stones. But the ultra sound appointment is fully booked so I decided to take an x-ray first. The x-ray shows an enlarge womb which therefore means a womb infection. They also did a blood test and the result is really bad. The vet explains that the toxins from the womb infection is causing the kidney to lost it function quickly. They need to operate her immediately or she may die in 3 weeks. There are risks that she might not wake up from the GA but we think that it is still worth the risk.

They put her on a dip for 1 full day so that she can be strong enough for the surgery since she had not been eating for almost a month. She looks brighter after the dip and is schedule for the surgery at 3 pm on the 06 March. I demand the vet to call me once she is awake to make sure that everything is ok even though they close at 4.30pm. After a painful 3 hours wait, they called me and say that she has woke up and they have removed her womb. I will be able to see her the next day when they open for business.

I waited for another painful 15 hours worrying that she is alone, sick and in great pain. My family and I went to see her first thing in the morning. She is awake in the cage; they continue to put her on dip. I kept calling her but she had is not responsive and it worries me. The vet explains that this is normal as she is given morphine to relive the pain so she will not be responsive. I got the technician to bring her out of the cage so that I can see the wound. OMG, it was a big wound in her tummy. They show me the womb that they have removed. It is supposed to be the size of our last finger but it is filled with pus and had swell to the size of 3 fingers. This is the cause of her excruciating pain. They teach us how to clean her wound and also the correct way to carry her. The vet says they she can only remove her stitches after 2 week as she is too fat and they are afraid that the wound will open again. We stayed for an hour and left. We could not bring her back yet as she still need to be in observation for another 2 days for any complication that may surface.

We visited her again on Monday. This time she looks good. She is alert, responsive and best of all, she is eating. Still she cannot go home.

I went to the clinic on Tuesday to discharge her. While I am paying up the balance, the technician prepares her for the discharge. They carry her to the waiting room. I could hear her barking and crying. I rush the receptionist and quickly carry her home. Once she arrives, she is running around, playing with Mambo and barking loudly. This is the Snowy I once know but was gone for 2 months. I am so glad that she is back to her usual self.

She went back 3 days later for review and things are looking good. Her blood test shows her kidney functions are back to normal but we still need to monitor her as a kidney failure is just a matter of time. We are still monitoring her heart and kidney function. She is schedule to go back again today. Hope everything goes well.

Please Don’t Go

Snowy is very sick and there is nothing I can do to make her feel better.

Snowy was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism in early October. The normal thyroid counts in a dog is 18 but snowy blood tested for 9 which is low and unhealthy. This also resulted obesity, hair loss/excessive shedding, dry hair coat and sensitive skin. She was given medication to increase the thyroid counts and is require to do a blood test every month to monitor the status.

Lately, I realized that Snowy seems lethargy all the time and is losing her appetite. The most disturbing part was that she pants heavily at night while resting which really bothers me. Thus I decided to bring her to the vet on 04 Feb. I told the technician that she is panting heavily and she gives me priority to see the Vet. This tells me that it is serious.

The Vet had a careful examination; took x-rays and EKG to confirmation her doubts. Snowy had heart failure; congestive heart failure. Her heart is enlarging from normal 8cm to 12 cm which is abnormal. As her heart is unable to pump enough blood to her muscle tissue, it leads to fluid retention in her lungs. This is the main cause for the heavy panting. The weak heart and the fluid in the lungs make it difficult for her to breath and it is very critical. The vet gave us some mediation to drain the excess fluid in the lungs and some heart medication to ease her pain. Vet also warned us that she will be very thirsty and will not be able to hold her bladder due to the medication. We are to monitor her closely. Once she is panting heavily, we have to check her tongue if it turns blue as it means that she is suffocating.

She is home that same day but things started to go very wrong day by day. Initially she coughed badly after drinking a lot of water and then she will pee everywhere like the vet had warned. Good thing is her panting stopped. Then the nightmare unfolds. She is vomiting and having diarrhea even without much food intake. She seems restless all the time and is not responsive to our calls. She will make wheezing sound and breathing very quickly at night while resting. She is also shivering at night which the vet says that it means that she is in pain. Gradually, her tummy start to swell from the excess fluid and now she has lose her appetite completely. She had zero food intakes for 2 week and her weight dropped from 22.6kg to 15.5 kg in about 7 days. I am so worried. How long can dogs goes without food!

I brought her to the vet again as her condition really worries me. The vet told me that she is dehydrated even though she is drinking a lot of water. She is also losing a lot of water from the vomiting and diarrhea. She has to be hospitalized for 2 days to be place under a dip. At the same time, the vet tried to give her some food but she simply refuse to take any so they have to resort to force feeding. She is vomiting a lot after they try to force feed her. I can only imagine the pain that she is going through.

Today they took a blood test and it shows an early stage of kidney failure. She have to maintain a low protien diet and change her dosage of medication so that she does not stress her Kidney. Problem is her heart needs the medication to help it pump properly and remove the excess fluid but the medication is too stressful for Kidney. Case is very delicate now.

With all the other organs falling apart day after day and the impending tests and medication, it really hurts me to see her go through all these pain.

I gathered enough courage to ask the vet how long can she survive with all the existing condition. The vet calmly explains to me. Spitz usually have a life span of 10 years but with some illness, we can plus minus 2 year. She is 7 this year and since she is suffering from a heart condition, she is likely to have 6 month to 2 year more. But heart failure leads to more complication in other organs which they cannot predict at the moment…. The vet goes on and on but I couldn’t take in any more information. My heart break the moment I know that she is leaving me soon.

Snowy, please be strong and please be brave. We will go through this painful process together as a team. Please hold on. I love you!

Wondering

Sometimes I wonder who I am, where I have been and what I have done for all the years that you are gone.

I am so tired of always trying to prove who I am because make believing is hard alone. When I am down and feeling blue, I close my eyes so that I can be with you. Always reaching for that rising star to guide me far and shine me home. Until the morning sun appear, it make light of all my fears. I dried the tears which i have never shown and put on the strong front once again. Still I wonder, why am I thrown out here on my own!

If I walk, would you run?
If I stop, would you come?
If I ask you to stay, would you show me the way?
Please tell me what can I say to make you stay!

Goodbye 2009

Goodbye 2009, Goodbye to a very bad year!

Bidding goodbye to a bad year and looking forward to 2010! As i proceed to 2010, may the lord bless my cup with overflowing blessings., A very blessed Happy New Year to all my friends and family

Christmas! Christmas!

Christmas is just 2 days away and I am so looking forward to it.

I do not need to attend the Christmas show this year as the children are not involve in the candle light service. Thus I get to spend my Christmas eve with my dear ones.

We are going to have a splendid Christmas dinner, 10 course home cooked meal, gift exchange and will have some drinks.

This is a bad year but I want to end it beautifully.

Merry Christmas and have a blessed New Year.

Dreams

Late at night when the entire world is sleeping, I stayed up and think of you. I wished upon a star that somewhere you are thinking of me too.

I have dreamed of you last night. You melted me with your tender touch and I felt all fear and sorrow slip away instantly. I just want to hold you close but only to realize all I have are dreams of you. Wonder if you have seen me and I wonder if you know that I'm there. If you looked in my eyes, would you see what's inside?

Even though it's hard, I can never give you up. I promise you as I give my heart to you that nothing in this world shall keep us apart. You are the man I will love until the very end. You know that I’ll never get over you.

I've dreamed of you my greatest love and my best friend.

Restore Factory Setting

How I wish humans have a button to restore factory setting; deleting all the memories, pains and disappointments in just a spilt second.

It is a painful decision but still I decide to empty out your wardrobe. It is a difficult job but one that needed to be done. I can’t hang on to your things forever; pretending that you are coming back to collect them. Objects that were once so full of life and importance; now just lay limp on the floor. Without you, they are just things.

It is an emotionally draining experience. I relived a million memories with every garment and piece of paper I bagged. I held each item near to me before saying goodbye. Every time it leaves my fingers, it was like saying goodbye to a part of you all over again. It is difficult; so difficult and at times too difficult.

A snorkel from our first time scuba diving; a shell that you have picked up off the ocean floor 10 year ago; your collection of matchboxes from every pub we have visited; letters and greeting cards send over the years; jigsaw puzzle that we fixed overnight. Every item had a history; so many objects, so many memories. Each were being labeled and packed away in bags just as they were in my mind. Teddies and dolls are put aside to be sent to the Salvation Army; billiard cue and fishing poles for my uncle and lastly memories, tears and laughter for me.

Each item unearthed dusts, tears, laughter and memories. I bagged the items, cleared the dust, wipe my tears and filed away the memories for safe-keeping.

Our memories bundles away in my mind.

Missing You

I miss you. I still miss you after so many things had happened. I still missed you no matter how many years had passed. I missed you. Come back to me please!

Is It True?

A New Beginning

It has been a long time since I have something to look forward to.

I am really looking forward to the gathering this Friday. It will be filled with fun, laughter, cries and tons of gossip. Talks into the wee hours of the night and drink, drank, drunk.

I am looking forward to getting closure from all the things that are bothering me for such a long time.

I am looking forward to the few trips ahead. I have done a lot of homework, ensuring that I will not missed an attraction and enjoy the best out of it.

I am looking forward to a debt-free life as all my loans/ installments/ debts will be paid off by end September.

I am looking forward to my big bonus at the end of the year after so much hard work that had been put into it.

I am so looking forward to a new beginning!

Wrong time

She was beautiful; everyone told her so and she loved him but she couldn't let him know...

She had a boyfriend but he didn't care. He hit her; to leave him she didn't dare. She went on through high school with this same guy. He would beat her and throw her around but never would she cry.

Where did that bruise come from; her friends would ask. I fell down the stairs and that cut is from the glass. They believed all of her excuses and her lies; that's everyone except this one other guy. He had loved her ever since the seventh grade, ever since he saw her at that Christmas parade.

He wanted to help her but what could he do. He had to save her. She was really getting hurt. The guy pushed her around. He treated her like dirt

He went to her house and knocked on the door. He looked in the window and saw blood on the floor. He heard her yell so he twisted the knob. He couldn't get in but he could hear her sob.

He called the police and they got there fast. They opened the door. He let out a gasp. There she was sprawled out on the floor. He couldn't bear to look but wait there is more.

There was a funeral the very next day. He wanted to attend but what could he say. He took a seat in the very last row. He loved her so much but she just didn't know.

There was a note found under her bed which he had no idea. All kinds of thoughts flew in his head

"My boyfriend hits me but what can i do..and there's this really sweet guy...I wish he liked me but he has no clue"

Crying

There's a girl in my mirror crying, and there's nothing I can say to make her feel all right.

Confused

I am standing here alone but all I want is to be over there; over there where you will be! But then you went and left the world, leaving my heart empty. I’m only left with used to be.

Why did I let myself believe that miracles could happen? Now I know that you're not a fairytale and dreams were meant for sleeping. I wish upon a star that just wouldn’t come true. I can't believe that I could be so blind. It's like you were floating while I was falling with no one there to catch.

I am confused!

Closure

Things I have been telling myself for the past months:

I mustn't be revengeful and I have to be strong.
To offer good for evil and return right for wrong.
I must not hold a grudge and must learn to endure.
I must forgive those who lie and bless them that curse me.

Bless those souls who would curse my name for when the last bell tolls; I’ll be free of all blame.

When they bruise me with words; when they make me feel small; when it's hardest to bear; I must do nothing at all.

Forgiveness is the mightiest sword. Forgiveness of those you hate will be your highest reward. Forgiveness is the simplest vow. Forgiveness of all their crimes is my deliverance now.

I can continue to grieve but know the gospel is true. The time will come when we will leave this world and the injustice, pain and sin will fall away from us. Only the spark of the
spirit will remain--returning to God who created it. Then as God is my judge; at least my heart will be pure

I must never lose faith; I must never lose heart; for God will restore my trust. Be willing to be brave; brave enough for love.

Why? Why? Why?

Never a final answer; never a last word.

I sat in the dark and wrote words that I cannot see only hoping that I can finally express me. I want to release this anger; I want to let go of the pain. By writing simple words on the paper; my peace I hope to gain. I write these words in sorrow; I write these words in vain. With not one evil thought for you; my love still remains

Holding on to questions which I know the answers will not come, only anguished cries of why beating in my head like drums. Will you ever feel remorse for discarding me like trash, for shattering my heart like tiny shards of glass, for destroying my trust in people and for taking away my laugh? Will you?

Losing It Already

Pain... Tension... Fatigue...Depression...

Anger, aggression, frustration; all these unwanted sensations.
Burning, hurting, tearing; My heart alone, cold and fearing.
Repeating, resisting, insisting; refusing to be denied its recognition
Frustration, confusion, delusion; to close my eyes and let time fly by.
Unfocused, unclear, out of control; these dreams are driving me insane.

Why won't you let me sleep, let me rest, let me forget? To eradicate, eliminate, destroy all my regrets? These memories inside, swirling, twirling; unwilling to reside in the corner of my mind! My world spinning, spinning, spinning, my sanity flying through the door; my reason, my logic, oh, it's tragic. Like fine sands running through my hands, I'm losing my mind.

Forget Him

Forget his name, forget his face,
Forget his kiss and warm embrace.
Forget the time you spent together.
Forget it all he is gone forever.

Forget the fact that he once cared,
Forget the love that he once shared.
Forget his love that once was true,
Remember now there is someone new.

Forget you cried all night long,
Forget him when they play your song.
Forget how close you once were.
Remember how he chose her.

Forget you memorized the way he walked.
Forget the way that he talked.
Forget the times he made you mad.
Remember how he made you feel so sad.

Forget the thrills when he said, Hi!
Forget the times he made you cry.
Forget the way he said your name.
Remember now he is not the same.

Forget you saw him yesterday.
Forget his gentle and teasing way.
Forget the things you had planned to do.
Remember now he is not with you.

Forget the times that went so fast.
Forget it all it is in the past.
Forget he said, I'll leave you never.
Remember now he is gone forever.

Forget the past that I once knew.
Forget it all leave it too.
Cause he no longer loves me...
..He loves you...